don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
