K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
