i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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