Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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