Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
