it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
