alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
