Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
