I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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