yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
