You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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