If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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