omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
