I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
