I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
