Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
