somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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