ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
