My hair reeks of homosexuality.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
