My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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