You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
