i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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