Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
