update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He did a backflip because drugs
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
