he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
