My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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