She's JV to your varsity
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
