Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
