This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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