she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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