my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
