Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
