She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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