I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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