I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
