you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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