im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
