I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
