It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
