Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
