Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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