i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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