You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
