Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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