If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
