I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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