wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
