The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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