apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
