My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
