After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
