I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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