look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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